Friday, February 14, 2003

Smoking girl

I love smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 days. I think about having a cigarette about 6 million times a day. Quitting smoking sucks.

The physical withdrawal was minimal for me. The psychological withdrawal is proving infinitely more difficult. In order to keep my mind occupied, I have taken to studying about 18 hours a day and have become way anti-social. I went out for lunch with my friend Geoff yesterday and he reminded me that obsessive behaviour is, well, obsessive. Unbalanced, and at times, unreasonable and unpleasant for others.

Jason is accustomed to my relative disappearance. Even when I am in the house with him, I have been known to completely retreat into my research for days on end. (I couldn't have a relationship with someone who got freaked out by that.) He brings me food and reminds me to laugh and everything is fine.

But my current retreat is different because it is coupled with the denial of one of my favourite habits. For many reasons, I really do want to quit smoking. But my most frequent emotional state since quitting smoking has been agitation. And, apparently, I don't keep it to myself. To be honest, these days, social interaction just pisses me off.

And this seems a high price to pay for wanting to live longer.

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